Only Bill Simmons Believes in the Underrated Cardinals. Or Not.

In our last foray into the immature world of Bill Simmons, our friend was claiming that growing up around women made Tom Brady weak-willed, noted that the Brady/Manning rivalry was horribly overcovered only to unleash an unwieldy behemoth of a column about the very same topic, and claimed that he was definitely not going to lose when picking San Diego to roll in Miami given the inherent awesomeness of Philip Rivers. That worked out pretty well.

www.profootballtalk.com

Simmons also got to trot out of his (many) idiotic tropes in pointlessly detailed the passing of an imaginary championship belt between Brady and Peyton Manning, made even dumber than usual given that each QB had missed a full season during the span of time that was chronicled. What ridiculous nonsense will we treated to this week? I have my cyanide tablets at the ready in giddy anticipation of the worst, which is telling since it will be hard to top Thursday's petty feud with Mike Golic, truly a legendary battle of wits.

Revisiting the Y2K-Compliant Quarterbacks

Nearly 15 years later, I remember three things about Y2K.

1. It was overblown nonsense.
2. That hack writers would still be mentioning it as something relevant long after the world had moved on with life.
3. Pedro Martinez had the greatest pitching season in baseball history. No one denies this!

First, many people were legitimately concerned that computers would freak out at midnight, all hell would break loose, and we’d land in a real-life version of The Purge crossed with The Walking Dead … even though we didn’t know what either of these things were in 1999. It was secretly disappointing when midnight came and went without an electronic catastrophe.

For anarchists and psychopaths, perhaps.

Like so many others, I wanted to know what it would be like to live without electricity, loot grocery stores and murder others to survive. Maybe someday.

Holy crap, I hadn't even read this sentence before commenting on the last one. It's always the passive-aggressive entitled ones who are the most dangerous. I don't know why anyone was worried when there was a Twinkie factory in Natick, though.

Second, the Y2K hype spawned one of wrestling’s greatest entrances — Chris Jericho’s “Y2J” gimmick, which claimed first place in my wrestling-entrances column that you probably blocked out of your mind.

www.chicagonow.com

And third, I remember thinking about the end of the world and being bummed out about one thing and one thing only: not that I’d be losing the chance to have kids or get married, not that I’d be losing my dream of building a big audience for my “Sports Guy” column, not that I’d be losing the last two-thirds of my life … but that I’d live and die without seeing a Boston team win a World Series or a Super Bowl.

Frankly, the only way that this opinion could be worse was if Simmons had been married with kids at the time. I'd put money on this Masshole still having that mindset today had all of his teams (keep that in mind the next time he bitches) not won titles over the last 15 years.

So yeah, Y2K feels like it happened roughly 70 years ago. And now, we’re starting to slap the makings of a century together. We’re 14 years in. The words “21st century” actually mean something. And in the 21st century, exactly 10 quarterbacks have won Super Bowls.

• Tom Brady (five times)
• Ben Roethlisberger (twice)
• Kurt Warner
• Trent Dilfer
• Brad Johnson
• Peyton Manning
• Drew Brees
• Aaron Rodgers
• Joe Flacco
• Russell Wilson

Fine, fine. You caught me. ELEVEN quarterbacks have won a Super Bowl in the 21st century.

• Tom Brady (three times)• Eli Manning (twice)

Well, that didn't take long.

So what jumps out about that list? You know, other than the fact that Eli Manning won two f-​-​-​ing Super Bowls?

And that Tom Brady lost two Super Bowls to said Eli Manning? I blame his harpy sisters.

• The weakest QBs? Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson definitely “game managed” their way to titles,² which happened occasionally until the NFL changed its pass-defense rules so Peyton Manning had a better chance to succeed. 

Brad Johnson in 2002: 13 starts, 62.% comp, 3049 yards, 22 TD, 6 INT. Perception /=/ reality, including ignoring rule changes against hitting quarterbacks low following Brady's knee injury in 2008. All riggage to Peyton, though.

Did you know that Baltimore won four straight playoff games with Dilfer completing 35 passes … total? And Johnson played for four teams, started all 16 games just three times and threw for 691 career yards fewer than Jon Kitna. But give him Jon Gruden’s offense and Tampa Bay’s loaded 2002 defense and what happened? BRAD JOHNSON COULD MANAGE THE GAME!

There's also a footnote listing Johnson's mediocre playoff stats in the postseason which ignores his regular-season excellence and pair of TD passes in the Super Bowl, solely to dishonestly push a narrative. Stay classy, Bill.

Every time a Chiefs fan says, “I think we can win the Super Bowl with Alex Smith,” they’re really saying, “I mean, the 2002 Bucs won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson!” I don’t know. Those were different times.

*Ignores Ben Roethlisberger's career numbers in the Super Bowl* Also, didn't a "game manager" QB backed by a monster defense just win a title LAST YEAR?!

• The third-weakest QB on that list? Eli Manning. I’m the wrong person to shepherd a “Could the 2007 Giants and 2011 Giants have won Super Bowls with any decent QB?” conversation, if only because I might intentionally injure myself. So let’s just agree that the Giants scored 38 points combined in those two Super Bowls, one of which went New York’s way because their 17th-string receiver caught the last pass of his career with his helmet.

I agree that the Patriots scored a combined 31 points in those Super Bowls, couldn't sack Eli Manning, and couldn't stop a no-name wideout from burning their secondary. So we're on the same page, right?

• It’s too early to have an opinion on Russell Wilson’s Super Bowl, but the “Luck or Wilson?” debate finished filming in October. (Spoiler alert: Luck won.)

But Wilson is so charismatic!

Is Wilson an infinitely more athletic Brad Johnson? Is his 2014 performance suffering because his offensive line collapsed and he doesn’t have enough weapons (and not because we overrated him)? Or, could you say he’s where Brady was in 2002 — one year away from jumping a level, and three years away from jumping two levels, and five years away from finishing the video game? To be continued.

Wait, these levels went from being tiers of ability to parts of a video game? Someone has clearly been getting into the mushrooms hard.

• For four straight postseason games in 2013, Flacco had an out-of-body experience: 1,140 yards, 11 TDs, 0 picks, 9.05 YPA, 117.2 rating and one of the great season-saving miracle throws ever (the Jacoby Jones–Rahim Moore pseudo–Hail Mary). Bill Barnwell dubbed it the second-greatest postseason hot streak ever, trailing only 1989 Joe Montana and finishing 745 spots ahead of 1985 Tony Eason. Were those four Flacco weeks the football equivalent of, say, Nic Cage randomly crushing Leaving Las Vegas and winning an Oscar, then immediately reverting back to being Nic Cage? Absolutely. But you can never take away those four Flacco weeks, and you can never take away Nic Cage’s Oscar.

Please stamp "pointless Barnwell reference," "awful former Patriots QB," and "gratuitous pop culture analogy" on you Bill Simmons Bingo card.

Why bring up that Y2K list? For one thing, if you forced me into a 21st Century QB Mount Rushmore decision, I would bump Brees before Roethlisberger. Brees has six career playoff wins, one Super Bowl win and one conference title game appearance. He spent his entire career playing home games in 75-degree weather (San Diego) or indoors (New Orleans). And the team that drafted him eventually gave up on him.

After Brees was a free agent following a torn labrum in the 2005 season and the club already had a ton of money committed to the aforementioned Philip Rivers. Had the Chargers resigned Brees, it would've been one of the stupidest moves in NFL history, yet somehow would make the guy better in Simmons' tortured comparison.

Meanwhile, Roethlisberger joined the NFL three years after Brees — right now, he has 10 playoff wins, two Super Bowl wins, three Super Bowl appearances, four conference title game appearances and one of the great throw-and-catches in football history (the Super Bowl winner to Santonio Holmes that beat Arizona). He has also spent his entire career outdoors for the same cold-weather team. It’s no contest. For regular season — Brees. For everything — Roethlisberger.

Different week, same bullshit.

He’s the most underrated quarterback of the 21st century. It’s true.

But is he the Ryan Reynolds of quarterbacking or more like Shia LaBeouf?!

Could you argue that the general public doesn’t want to place him on that Brady-Rodgers-Manning pedestal because of whatever happened in that Lake Tahoe bathroom in 2009?

Or, perhaps, because he's not nearly as good as that trio.

Roethlisberger in his three Super Bowl appearances, which are held up as the only reason that the guy is in this conversation: 55-91, 60.4% comp, 642 yards, 3 TD, 5 INT, 14 att, 58 yards, TD. That's worse than anything produced by Dilfer, Johnson, E.Manning, and especially Brees, so let's ignore it!

That night earned him a six-game suspension from Roger Goodell (eventually dropped to four games) and damaged Roethlisberger’s reputation before eventually being settled out of court. In retrospect, every Goodell suspension seems suspect after how egregiously the commissioner botched Bountygate, then acted irresponsibly, incompetently and maybe even illegally and mendaciously after Ray Rice knocked his wife out (hopefully, we’ll have a result from the hearing about Rice’s re-suspension next week).

Passive-aggressive shot at Roger Goodell count: 1.

But Roethlisberger DID act inappropriately, and he DID get suspended, and he DID settle out of court.

So why don't people like him?!

I believe that incident affected how many fans regard Roethlisberger’s football résumé as a whole.

"Hey, this above-average quarterback who has one memorable positive play in three SB appearances probably raped a girl. Let's treat him like's only above-average!"

There’s a mythology that comes with Brady, Manning, Rodgers and Brees — great quarterbacks, great leaders, solid interviews, great “public” people. They say the right things and do the right things. They take extraordinary pains to be thought of as role models. And that’s why they land so many endorsements — because major companies desperately want to associate themselves with those four guys.

Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure that Roethlisberger hasn’t filmed a major commercial since 2009. (I couldn’t find one on the Internet, that’s for sure.) His national profile effectively consists of 16 to 20 football games per year, dozens of press conferences and the occasional “insightful” sitdown with Bob Costas (or whomever) that never reveals anything interesting. And we’re fine with it. That 2009 incident inspired us to collectively reject the mythology of Roethlisberger’s greatness, even though so many went the other way with Kobe Bryant earlier in the decade (in an undeniably similar situation). And that was the case for years and years. Quarterbacks are sacred to us, for whatever reason.

Kobe Bryant, possibly due to being a sociopath, can be charming and win back people. Ben Roethlisberger sounds like he took a UNC-level curriculum while at Miami of Ohio. I'm shocked that advertisers wouldn't be falling all over themselves to put their name behind a probable rapist who can't read cue cards.

But Roethlisberger’s recent 12-touchdown barrage, and his phenomenal season in general, propelled him back into that Great QB conversation once and for all. You know when I officially realized this? After I read this email from Kurt Hetrick in San Diego:

If it was so obvious, I don't think that the assistance of an idiot fanboy who was hoping to bait you into terrible pop culture references (and succeeded) would have been necessary.

Simmons then wastes a lot of time talking about quarterbacks who did not win and/or have not won Super Bowls, which nicely padded column space.

For everyone on that list — you need luck, timing, coaching and a killer support system just to sniff the Super Bowl, much less win it. Which brings us to Carson Palmer, who becomes The Most Underrated QB Of The 21st Century as soon as we stop underrating Roethlisberger.

Come on, America! Big Ben's been The Eagles for far too long!

You might remember me making fun of Palmer in this column many, many, many times. Many times. Many, MANY times. And I stand by all of it.

Until I contradict myself in just a few moments.

[Update: The Cardinals must think Palmer is underrated, too; tonight the team announced that it gave him a three-year extension that sources told ESPN was worth $50 million.]

www.rizzn.com

Still, no 21st-century QB had worse luck than Carson Palmer did.Barnwell covered this angle perfectly less than 13 months ago on Grantland, so I won’t rehash it here. But I love playing the “What if?” game with certain never-quite-got-there NBA stars (Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway, Grant Hill, etc.) that’s framed around a specific question:

*Stamps "tortured NBA reference" on bingo card*

This conceit continues for a long while, including Simmons "jokingly" crediting a Barnwell article on Palmer and Grantland's magic powers for contributing to Palmer's bounceback season in Arizona. I say jokingly, as this is the same person who believes that crowds at basketball games have the same effect on outcomes as do the players. No one denies this!

This isn’t one of those Josh McCown five-game rope-a-dope situations.

Hilarious coming from someone who expected McCown to be a driving force behind a good season by what is a terrible Tampa Bay team.

Palmer has been playing extremely well for 13 solid months, even persevering when his receivers caught a recent case of the dropsies (mentioned here). Here’s how President-Elect Arians described his team this week.

“Swagger is a true belief. I think guys that talk a lot sometimes are trying to talk themselves into it. You watch for that. But our guys, I don’t see any cockiness in our football team. I see a true belief that we’re going to win every week. And our quarterback is Carson Palmer! Can you f-​-​-​-​-​g believe this????”

Fine, I made the last two sentences up.

Which is fine, since the entire world thinks the exact same way as does Bill Simmons even if they don't know it. He then follows up by further padding this monstrosity with rehashed info about Arizona's likelihood to regress and the team no longer being able to claim that no one believes in them - this despite the Cards only giving 7 points at home against a St. Louis team that hasn't been able to do anything on offense, even when stealing victories against the 49ers and Seahawks.

It goes on and on and on. You can SEE them in the Super Bowl. But I believe in the Cardinals simply because they remind me of the 2003 Patriots, an exceptionally well-coached team with a knack for pulling out close games.

From October 5, 2003, through February 1, 2004 (the Nipple Bowl), the Patriots ripped off 15 straight wins, with 10 coming by eight points or fewer. And look, I love advanced numbers for football. Those numbers tell us, emphatically, that there’s a pretty thin line between success and failure in close games, that a 16-game football season is a smaller sample size than we realize, and that your luck eventually reverts back to the norm (one way or the other). I understand and concede these points.

But?

But let’s also agree that, occasionally, a football team shows up that just seems comfortable playing close games.

Or isn't good enough to beat teams by healthy margins, instead relying on unsustainable luck which is given magical properties of clutchiness while a team on other side of the coin that keeps falling short by tight margins is always accepted to simply be running into poor luck. Narratives, though.

And yet, Arizona’s intangibles are just as impressive. I loved what Brian Billick wrote this week:

NOPE.

I’m in! I’m all in! Sign me up! I don’t care if the Cardinals have inadvertently become the “Everybody Believes In Us” team — they’re the NFC’s best football team, I believe in their tangibles and intangibles, and I even kinda-sorta-maybe believe in their QB. Besides, in a 21st century that’s been as goofy as advertised, it makes perfect sense that Carson Palmer would start a home Super Bowl game … right? Please manage your gambling wagers accordingly.

Flash back to two weeks ago when Simmons returned with a gambling strategy sure to break Vegas. Now he's throwing his weight behind sunshine, moonbeams, and four-leafed clovers. #SHRAP

On to the Week 10 picks …

Browns (+6.5) over BENGALS

I picked the Browns on Instagram because the line was three points too high,

Amazing thing that hindsight. Also, if you entered Thursday night legitimately believing that the Bengals and Browns would've been a Pick 'Em on a neutral field (in Wichita?), then you are the kind of person who posts entire emails from idiots talking about Morgan Freeman narrating Andy Dalton's meltdown and claims that it was sent the previous weekend and not after the Red Rocket's TNF disaster.

Jaguars (+7.5) over COWBOYS
My upset special: Jags 24, Cowboys 10.

Purely for future reference.

San Diego’s Bye Week (-5.5) over Washington’s BYE WEEKQ: Every analyst is jumping off the Chargers bandwagon like it’s carrying rabid dogs. Maybe it’s just out of room because it’s carrying all of Rivers’ children. Are the Chargers building themselves up to be the “nobody believes in us” team this year? They have all of the pieces — injured players that can fill the gaps, a defense that has been good when healthy, and a QB from the 2004 draft class that can catch fire. If Eli and Ben could do it twice, why can’t Rivers? NOBODY BELIEVES IN US!!

—Brian Djavaherian

BS: Glad you brought this up.

Because it allows me to defend another one of my bad preseason picks!

Right now, the Chargers are 5-4 and coming off three straight losses to a definite Super Bowl contender (Denver), a possible Super Bowl contender (Miami)

Hahahahaha, pure gold, Jerry! 0% chance that the Dolphins would be given anywhere close to this much credit had they not been one of two teams thus far to top the SuperPats.

and a probable 10-win team (Kansas City, a game that could have gone either way).

By my calculations, that's barely even a loss. Let's just give it to the Chargers and *poof* they're 6-3! Wow, things are really looking up in San Diego!

I mean … even I don’t believe in them. And I picked them to be a Super Bowl contender.

Despite claiming that none of their recent losses prove any weakness?

(In other words … literally, NOBODY BELIEVES IN YOU, SAN DIEGO!!!! Keep an eye on this one.)

Methinks thou doth protest too much. 1) Must every team be either believed in by no one or be massively overrated? 2) This is a fantastic hedge, as Simmons can brag if the Bolts rally to reach the postseason and slam them if they don't. Skipping ahead...

But you know what we DO need a nickname for? Anytime Mike Carey awkwardly breaks down any review of one of Jerome Boger’s atrocious calls. It’s like the streams crossing in Ghostbusters. Send me the best nickname and I’ll run it next week.

All Ref-e-ree Je-rome hatred is form of self-hatred.

Andrew in Ann Arbor: “Jim Caldwell’s weekday coaching deserves a nomination for Sneaky Good Watch status. The Lions commit considerably fewer dumb penalties, turn the ball over less, and are generally a much less stupid football team this year. Under Schwartz facing the kind of adversity they had the last few weeks, they would have fallen apart and been blown out.

I'm pretty sure that's because Jim Schwartz bites the heads off of small animals, making nearly anyone else technically an upgrade. Seems fitting that doing nothing makes Caldwell seems "sneaky good" to Lions fans, though.

Q: When we bet on sports, there are a crazy amount of variables to consider. One that’s never prominently featured is the Emotional X-Factor. I bet against the Steelers last week; you did as well. Did you know ahead of time that they were going to retire Joe Greene’s number at halftime of that game? I sure didn’t. I also bet against the Dolphins, not realizing that Joe Philbin’s father had just passed away just two days prior. Obviously, as soon as the game kicked off and the announcer emphasized the Dolphins were about to play “inspired football” I knew how that one was going to play out. Can you please make some room in your weekly columns to account for these kinds of non-football variables? Sometimes I really feel like they matter more than the actual players on the field!
—Michael S-G, New York

BS: Couldn’t agree more. And I try to pick games accordingly. For instance, I felt bad for Philbin and his family, but at some point, you drift into “I wonder how that will affect the game” mode.

That stats-oriented manisfesto from two weeks ago will make great toilet paper if you buy the latest Grantland Quarterly.

SAINTS (-6) over Niners
I can’t believe the Saints have a chance to go from 2-4 to 12-4.

Seriously. Since when do NFL teams play 16 games in a season?

JETS (+6) over SteelersQ: I can’t believe you wrote an article in which you bitch about the Patriots. Try being a Jets fan. Fuck you.—Dan D.

I like the cut of Dan D.'s jib.

Q: Watching the Sunday Night Football game and listening to Al and Cris marvel at the incredible “James Harrison was retired three weeks ago and now is somehow playing like one of the best linebackers in the game” story for the 50th time that quarter, I couldn’t be the only one to come up with an easy explanation for that “somehow?”
—Zach H., Cleveland

This email would be a better fit in this blog's previous post given that it shows how much idiots care about someone celebrating a(n illeged) steroids user, but have nary a word to say about NBC blowing the plethora of legit criminals (Harrison included) who starred in Sunday night's contest.

RAVENS (-10) over Titans
Broncos (-12) over RAIDERS

Two-Team Teaser alert!

Sound the alarm!!!!!

TWO-TEAM TEASER ALERT!!!!!! EASY MONEY AHEAD!!!!!!!!!

Get your act together, Vegas! A guy who went 7-6 last week has your number!

Rams (+7) over CARDS
Here’s where you say, “Wait a second, didn’t you just pick the Cards to go to the Super Bowl? Is this why your picks suck so much?” The short answers — yes and yes.

www.rottenecards.com

The longer answer: This has all the making of the “Everyone teases Arizona because they’re a sure thing in the middle of a week of Super Bowl hype, only to freak out when the Rams go up 10-0” game. I see the Cards clawing back and winning by three or fewer.

I see terrible gambling techniques.

Quickly on the Rams: They’re the NFL version of me as a golfer. I started playing golf again this year after a self-imposed 20-year hiatus, which is actually a good story that I will tell some other time. In the past six months, I’ve played 15 times.

Because you got suspended for pissing off your employer - and yet you keep rubbing the noses of the everyday folks who supported you in that fact that your "unjust punishment" was merely a chance for you to enjoy a luxury vacation and copious rounds of golf.

Simmons then goes on to list his "shaky" players and teams, which included a gratuitous shot at Peyton Manning (of course) and the claim that Seattle's crowd is suffering from Pink Hat syndrome - which stemmed from people bandwagoning on the Red Sox, but, naturally, doesn't admit to that reality.

Oh, and by the way, Arizona took your “Best Crowd in the League” corner.

Oh, man, the Cards' regression is now going to be extra delicious. Come January, Bill will be listing the "obvious" reasons why Arizona was a fluke, yet not once noting that he already cited, and summarily ignored, them in order to go narrative-diving.

That brings us to the Sneaky-Good Watch for Week 10: Jeremy Maclin’s contract year, Miami’s pass D (first in QBR allowed), the ceiling of New England’s pass D, Jerick McKinnon, DeSean Jackson’s F.U. season, Brandon Browner’s 2001 Bryan Cox potential, Jamie Collins’s All-Pro potential, Ryan Tannehill’s athletic ability, Football Baby, Travis Kelce’s Heath Miller 2.0 potential, and anytime Jay Cutler comes to town.

Cutler and the Bears are 3-2 on the road this year, with the QB sporting the following stats: 120-176, 68.2% comp, 12 TD, 3 INT. Oh, but he totally sucks since the Greatriots lit up Chicago's crippled defense!

EAGLES (-7) over Panthers
Two of Grantland’s finest employees are Sean Fennessey and Chris Ryan. They happen to be close friends, they occasionally drive to and from work together, and they can even communicate in staff meetings just by glancing at one another.

"That sounds almost erotic."

(Gambling Manifesto Rule No. 72B: When in doubt, always bet against any scenario that might bring joy to Jets fans.)

Gambling Manifesto Rule No. 982B - addendum 15.7: A team wins three consecutive games after their backup tight end adopts a kitten - pick them to win the Super Bowl!

This Week: 1-0
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 96-39

The cake, er, record is a lie - and an unfunny running joke at that. Almost as tired as the footnote for it that contained another passive-aggressive dig at Roger Goodell. Is Bill Simmons' edginess now underrated?!

Kids Are Doomed Because of A-Rod. Naturally.

Scientists should really study Alex Rodriguez. Not because of his athletic talent or PED usage, but rather due to the fact that his mere existence seems to have the ability to make sportswriters stupid. Sorry, I mean stupider than usual. With the Yankees' third baseman reinstated from his suspension, A-Rod related idiocy is already reaching fever pitch, although it will be tough to top Ernie Palladino's horribly conceived debacle in which he blames Rodriguez for damaging America's youth. No, really.

Palladino: Sadly, The Kids Have Followed A-Rod’s Example

As always, the problem with our performance-enhanced athletes is not the indiscretion of usage, but the lies that come afterward.

The problem with domestic abuse is not the indiscretion of beating one's wife or girlfriend, but the inconvenience it causes NFL teams.

Like an ever-growing web, the public fibbing doesn’t just brand the liars as untrustworthy, unseemly and worse. It also swallows up their followers as well.

And I base this one absolutely nothing.

Saddest of all are the kids who idolize the steroid-tainted players who loudly proclaimed, “I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it!” until it was proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that they indeed did it.

I'd argue that the neverending stream hackish articles from adults who possess less maturity than said children are the saddest part of players having used PED.

It is a technique that politicians have used for ages. Richard Nixon (“I am not a crook!”) resigned once the Watergate jig was up. Bill Clinton (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”) was impeached over his dalliance with Monica Lewinsky. Michael Grimm just won a third term in the House of Representatives while pooh-poohing a 20-count indictment for tax fraud.

Breaking news: Politicians, many of which possess sociopathic qualities that mirror those of serial killers, often do immoral things! It's quite lazy (albeit predictable) for Palladino to single out politicians and steroid users as being the lone subsections of society that will lie to avoid punishment. How many adulterers happily confess to cheating on their partners when confronted with mere suspicions of guilt? And you know who else will lie through their teeth with surprising consistency? Kids.

Mendacity works for them, and adults have come to accept it as a systemic element of politics. Note the phrasing. Not systemic flaw. Systemic element. It’s just their way of doing business, of keeping a job.

Yes, no one has a problem with politicians lying. Excellent strawman.

Fair enough.

What?!

But these athletes’ lies go beyond adults who should demand better of their public servants but remain silent.

Yes, athletes lying about using steroids is so much worse than politicians bullshitting their way to election only to screw over their constituents.

The kids follow the lives of their heroes quite closely through the celebrity magazines and sports pages. Whether consciously or not, they pick up on the personality traits and quirks. They wear their hats like them, buy the costume jewelry that makes them look like the real article, purchase the sneakers with their names on them.

www.dailymail.co.uk

I kid. I'm sure that Palladino has a black friend and isn't making any sort of wrongheaded commentary on athletes like Ken Griffey, Jr., Allen Iverson, and Colin Kaepernick.

And they mimic the most reprehensible aspects of their personal behavior.

You couldn't be more right. I mean, all of the players on my baseball team are constantly abusing women, shouting racist epithets at the concerts they attend, and trafficking cocaine in obscene amounts. It's a real problem when you're trying to plot out a Little League lineup.

Teachers see it in the classroom every day. Any miscreant who gets caught red-handed trying to destroy a desk knows that the requisite first words out his mouth are “I didn’t do anything.” Once challenged because, well, the teacher was looking right at him as he dug his pen into the desk top, a retort of “You’re crazy, you must be seeing things,” immediately follows.

Based on a real story from the brain of a crazy person.

Should the teacher persist, that educator’s boss may well receive a note from the student’s parent claiming persecution.

It is the A-Rod Complex — a complete and total rejection of accountability. For every action, there is no reaction except for denial.

And you see, until Rodriguez started denying steroid use, children never lied and always took full accountability for their actions. It was a regular Mayberry it was. Pretty powerful stuff from an athlete who has rarely been that highly regarded by New York fans thanks to not being teflon Derek Jeter.

“I didn’t do it.”

“I didn’t do it.”

“I swear I didn’t do it.”

I can totally see A-Rod saying this! Same goes for if you told me it was a "quote" from anyone else on the planet, but especially A-Rod. It's the repetitiveness that makes this column so awful, er, I mean let's know know that this is a Rodriguez original.

Alex Rodriguez did that for months until the DEA gathered so much evidence against them that he reportedly couldn’t help but turn stoolie on his drug supplier and cousin in return for immunity.

You mean the drug supplier, Tony Bosch, who is headed for prison for distributing illegal steroids to teenagers, among other misdeeds? The same individual who was paid by MLB to sling mud at A-Rod and was supported by the league despite being a felon guilty of crimes far worse than anything Rodriguez has ever done? Self-interested reasons or not, I'd pretty sure that we should be commending A-Rod for narcing on this guy, not condemning him.

Roger Clemens continues to proclaim his innocence even though the evidence, including bloody gauze and syringes, points the other way.

Here I was thinking that writers were no longer fixated on Roger Clemens' ass.

Ryan Braun, like Rodriguez, took a PED suspension and then squealed to the feds for immunity in the same Biogenesis case.

Braun's overall behavior has been scummy, but, again, it's positively hilarious that steroids users are being deemed worse than the dealer who, I repeat, SOLD ILLEGAL DRUGS TO KIDS! Given that the conceit of this column is about caring about children, this is hilarious.

But before the Brewers slugger accepted his 65-game suspension in 2013, he first eluded a 50-game suspension by calling into doubt the chain of evidence surrounding the PED test, and then cost a sample collector his career when Braun argued he breached protocol.

Again, what Braun did to cover his own ass was not at all respectable and he fully deserves blame for the degree to which he smeared Dino Laurenzi's name. (By the way, why are folks like Bosch and Laurenzi not mentioned by name? Oh, right, the target audience for this garbage only knows maybe ten people involved in the game of baseball.) However, there were legitimate issues with the collection and transfer procedure, which is why Braun's appeal was upheld. It's amazing how many people don't care that without procedures to ensure the integrity of samples, folks with the integrity of Bosch or Bud Selig (too soon?) could manipulate results to nail anyone that they wished to scapegoat.

Braun was more than welcomed back by the Milwaukee faithful. They have him a standing ovation in the opener, and he rewarded them with 19 homers this past year.

Barry Bonds was cheered throughout his tenure in San Francisco, even after he was rained with boos at literally every other stadium in the NL. Plenty of Ravens and Vikings have publicly backed Ray Rice/Adrian Peterson despite public evidence of their criminal behavior. Fans can often be very, very stupid. Not sure why the "19 homers" statistic was stuck in there as if it was impressive, considering that it the former MVP's power was in massive decline this year. OMG, could it be because Braun is no longer on steroids?!?1! 

His real gift to the young, however, remains his abject innocence regarding PEDs, until he couldn’t help but admit it.

Wait, I thought that the children had already learned to lie about everything due to Rodriguez? What use do kids have for two of the same thing? Now Josh Brent showing them that it's awesome to drive drunk and kill a teammate in a car crash, that's a true gift and one that I'm sure will be emulated by everyone.

Deny, deny, deny.

Rodriguez, Braun and all others who have failed to accept responsibility for injecting and ingesting PEDs have passed along that philosophy to impressionable youth. Our leaders of tomorrow have listened to them more closely than any civics teacher. They have taken copious notes.

As opposed to the leaders of yesterday that you mentioned, like Nixon and Clinton, who lied their asses off due to what exactly? Oh, man, it's because Pud Galvin wasn't alive to come clean about his imbibing of monkey testicles as a performance enhancer, isn't it?

In an age where accountability and integrity has become ever more important, it has become ever scarcer.

It’s a shame.

Nothing says accountability and integrity like someone writing yet another screed claiming that an athlete is corrupting children while simultaneously offering zero real evidence or doing anything more than acting like Helen Lovejoy.

www.memegenerator.net

Jadeveon Clownshoes

You might think that the media in Philadelphia would have better things to do than troll a vanquished opponent on the day after the Eagles gained sole possession of first place in the NFC East in spite of losing both Nick Foles and DeMeco Ryans in a solid victory in Houston. However, that would underestimate just how petty and hackish scribes can be in the City of Brotherly Love. Enter Tom Mahon of the Philadelphia Daily News, whose take on the Texans' Jadeveon Clowney is so hot, it is layered with bonus criticism from other totally reputable sources. Be warned, folks, this is a five-alarm hot take action coming your way.

www.khou.com

In Houston, Linebacker Proving to Be a Clown

Jadeveon Clowney was too sick to play against the Eagles yesterday.

But apparently, the Texans linebacker - or someone with access to his Instagram account - was well enough to "like" a photo of a woman at the very same time his team was losing to the Birds.

No way! Clowney was able to take a second to click an option on a screen, likely during the copious amount of downtime during a football game? Doesn't seem like an injured player to me!

The info comes by way of Nick Wright, a morning-drive host for SportsRadio 610 in Houston.

Or as he's known to friends, "The Douche."

"Man, I just checked," Wright tweeted at the time. "Clowney, or someone on his account, absolutely "Liked" someone's Instagram picture at 12:45 p.m. today. That's awful."

Wright then played five consecutive soundbites of people farting before teasing his audience of mouthbreathers by calling Arian Foster a gutless chokeartist for exiting the loss to the Eagles with a severe groin injury. *Schwing*

Remember, that's 12:45 Central Time, 45 minutes after the game started.

"I've been a total Clowney defender, damn near apologist," tweeted Wright. "But he can't be scrolling Instagram during the game."

Damn straight. James Harrison would be on the sidelines waiting to shiv any opponents unfortunate enough to careen out of bounds on the Texans' side of the field. Brian Urlacher would be boning Bears cheerleaders in the locker room as a commitment to staying in shape. Clowney's got a lot to learn about being a team player.

Considering the team has been down on the Clown Man lately, well . . . it just doesn't look good.

That's accurate. What's not necessarily accurate is definitely claiming that Clowney was the one actually surfing the interwebs during a football game for which he was not active. As noted in the hedge atop the column, there exists the possibility that, as with many other high-profile athletes, Jadeveon permits others to access his social media platforms. But let's not allow that to get in the way of a good smear campaign, shall we?

Clowney, the No. 1 overall pick in May's NFL draft, missed six games after suffering a torn meniscus in the season opener. He returned against the Titans last week, but missed practice Friday and - according to TV station KHOU - worked out before yesterday's game before being listed as inactive with flu-like symptoms.

Sounds like he's legitimately been injured and sick. Not sure why one wants a guy with a balky knee who is also feeling like garbage due to illness being up and active on the sidelines. Seems like the exact opposite of what any doctor not employed by the San Diego Chargers would instruct Clowney to do on Sunday.

NFL Media's Ian Rapoport indicated yesterday that the Texans want Clowney to man up.

Of course they do. Have you seen their head coach? Bill O'Brien is cut from the "rub some dirt on it and slam your head against that wall" school of blockheaded old-school coaching that should have died out years ago. Never mind that Clowney was only the #1 overall pick in May, a huge investment for the team's future, and coming off of a serious injury in the season opener. Get your ass out there and potentially wreck a great career in year one despite the fact that our organization has already effectively punted the season by employing Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback!

"What they want is for him to start showing some maturity and learn to play through some of these ailments," Rapoport said on "NFL GameDay Morning."

The NFL cares about playing safety...hahaha, just kidding. Showing discretion and not forcing oneself back into action before one is ready is apparently still equated with immaturity and weakness. I'd hope that Clowney's teammates would have his back, but linemate J.J. Watt, who often engages in filming plenty of ads and TV shows that would be deemed "distractions" if it was the rookie being featured, just spent the better part of a week chastising an opponent's quarterback for taking a selfie, so good luck with finding actual maturity in that locker room.

"As a source just mentioned to me, this is really the first time Clowney has faced any sort of injury adversity - didn't really happen in college

What the hell are you talking about? Clowney was hurt for the majority of his junior year, including playing through a sports hernia that required offseason surgery and would've felled most other players. But low motor, no guts, and all that noise.

and they want him to try to play through it in the NFL, but they're frustrated with their No. 1 overall pick."

Perhaps if your franchise was run competently, you wouldn't need one player to force himself to play through injury in order to keep your season from capsizing. However, then they wouldn't be the Texans we know and mock.

Remember when?

On this date 17 years ago, Phillies third baseman Scott Rolen was a unanimous choice for National League Rookie of the Year.

Scott Rolen wouldn't sit out games for minor stuff like meniscus surgery!

*Ignores the fact that Rolen missed an average of nearly 57 games per year in his final eight seasons*

*Ignores the massive lack of self-awareness of a writer who claimed Rolen to be a "sports figure we love to hate" and joined in the hatchet job that ran the guy out of town in 2002 for 'not trying hard enough to win' being celebrated at the base of an article baselessly accusing another young star of the exact same thing*

Bill Simmons' Misogynistic Take On Tom Brady

Before we delve into the completely necessary 687264th article about the Brady/Manning rivalry to appear on the internet this week, let's jump back one week ago to Bill Simmons' return from suspension. Remember how the former Sports Guy claimed not only to have cracked the code for gambling on the NFL, but also considered Vegas clowns due to the Seahawks "only" laying six points at Carolina? Well, said super system yielded an amazing 5-10 record in Week 8, aided in part by Seattle needing a touchdown in the final seconds to merely eke out a four-point win.

So, in true Simmons fashion, he's shoved his selections into a sidebar at the bottom of the column, as if folks will forget about his awfulness in the face of arrogant boasting if he does so. Oh, who am I kidding, Sports Guy fanboys have the attention span of gnats and the dudebro fantasies of #GamerGaters, so they're surely thrilled that their idol is doing the thinking for them. Plus, how can you pass up getting to read Simmons' 78th take on a rivalry so thrilling that no one has any profound to say about the topic? As for me, I'm just a masochist...

Are Manning and Brady Cheating? How Rule Changes Have Helped Extend a Rivalry

Did you enjoy the misleading headline we came up with to generate traffic and rig Google results, only it’s a complete misrepresentation from what I wrote this week? What a farce, right? We’ll never do that again, right?

I won't write hackish gambling articles and then ignore the awful results, right? It's a legitimate journalistic technique to pretend to ask oneself questions to fill column space, right?

Websites rarely pulled those shenanigans in 2002, but in 2014, they do it all the time. Things evolve … and conversely, things devolve. Just look at football.

Forced analogy is forced. I'll admit that this is one of my favorite aspects of Simmons' columns, though, as I'm truly interested in seeing just how ridiculously off-base he can get with his comparisons. "Whether it be backlash to Obamacare, the looming threat of ISIS, and the current hysteria over Ebola, these have not been the easiest months for our President. Jay Cutler knows Obama's pain all too well, as..."

Earlier this century, ESPN’s NFL studio show aired a weekly segment called “Jacked Up” that celebrated every time a player got demolished by a tackle.

And still would be if those meddlin' former players with CTE didn't complain!

Earlier this century, NFL fans believed you won Super Bowls with defense and running backs.

First off, the only people who were espousing the opinion that running the ball down opponents' throat is the key to success are coaches and players who had been out of the league since 1985. No reasonable fan or analyst was stupid enough to hold this notion true, meaning that you're ascribing the mindsight of Dan Dierdorf to the rest of us. Don't. Secondly, save for the second of the two Giants/Patriots Super Bowls, each of the other title contests since 2000 have pitted teams with at least passable defenses, including some amazing units like the 2000 Ravens, 2002 Buccaneers, and 2013 Seahawks. Any catch-all "requirement" for championship worthiness is bound to be wrong at some point, but writing in this fashion makes it sound like the correct way to win the Super Bowl is via offense - this just none months after Denver's historically dominant unit got abused.

Earlier this century, an NFL commissioner suspended a player two games for knocking his fiancée out cold in an elevator, then changed the length of that suspension a few weeks later without any new facts and without anyone thinking this was illegal.

The only thing sadder than this running "gag" is that I'm 100% certain that Bill is grinning at his cleverness while penning these "zingers."

Fine, that last example didn’t work. The point is — THINGS CHANGE.

"When I started FJMing this column, I didn't like you very much...and I still don't. Screw change!"
www.jabootu.net

So when I receive a mailbag question like this one from RK in Nashville:

“How about Collinsworth’s quote in MMQB? ‘Here’s the amazing thing about Peyton Manning: He’s an ascending player at the age of, what, 38 years old? I have never seen a great player on that level ascending at that age.’ If this quote doesn’t make the mailbag then that tells me your testicles are resting in a glass jar and being guarded somewhere in Bristol.”

… part of me wants to defend the immortal Mr. Manning, part of me cringes at the thought of my testicles living in a glass jar, part of me cringes for the security guard in this scenario, and part of me wants me to click over to Baseball-Reference.com to confirm that, yes, 38-year-old Barry Bonds DID hit a career-high .370 with 46 homers and a 1.381 OPS.

Cris Collinsworth is totally right. He’s also totally wrong.

Unless he'd made that statement about Kobe Bryant or Alex Rodriguez.

Peyton Manning IS getting better at playing regular-season professional football. Check out his pre-2013 career highs for every major passing category versus his numbers in 2013 and 2014 (through seven games):

Highs: 4,700 yards, 49 TDs, 9 INTs, 9.17 YPA, 87.2 QBR, 121.1 rating.2013: 5,477 yards, 55 TDs, 10 INTs, 8.32 YPA, 82.9 QBR, 115.1 rating.2014: 2,134 yards, 22 TDs, 3 INTs, 8.47 YPA, 90.1 QBR, 119.0 rating.

But Manning is also getting worse at playing football. His post-surgery noodle arm transformed into Greg Maddux The QB — less velocity, better precision. He paints the plate with every throw. He keeps defying his aging body’s inherent limitations. It’s been astounding to watch.

Besides perpetuating the myth that Greg Maddux didn't possess great stuff, it's pretty funny to say that someone is getting "worse" simply because he doesn't throw as hard as he once did; this moments after showing that this new version of Manning is actually better than the iteration from his days with the Colts.

We beat every story line into the ground these days,

Says the guy who chose to write about the one NFL storyline that everyone else did this week,

to the point that we can’t even see some of them clearly because we spent so much time beating them. Just look at LeBron’s “homecoming,” relentlessly marketed as a back-to-Cleveland decision when it was really a basketball decision. (Anyone who thinks LeBron was “coming home” in his prime to a team that didn’t have Kevin Love and/or a chance to win titles immediately is fooling themselves.)

Wow, dropping some truth bombs there, Bill. Fun Fact: Great athlete wants to play on a good team.

In Manning’s case, his triumphant return from four neck surgeries was beaten into the ground, but now it’s glossed over because everyone already knows the story. He’s not the same physically, and it just doesn’t matter.

Unless you're claiming that it makes him "worse" than he was as you did just a few lines earlier.

At least in the regular season.

www.reactiongif.tumblr.com

So why does it SEEM like Peyton Manning is still “ascending,” as Collinsworth said? 

Because he keeps playing better, as you just noted above?

Because the rules kept drifting in his favor, yet another sports topic that was pummeled into the ground and now gets taken for granted.

Oh, of course. Now we can whip out the "Bill Polian rigged things to benefit Peyton and screw over the Pats," another narrative that has been run into the ground.

You can’t hit QBs high, you can’t hit QBs low, you can’t hit QBs within 0.25 seconds after they’ve released the football, and it’s unclear whether you can even make a mean face at them. Remember when QBs were injured all the time? Remember when you NEEDED a backup QB? These are better and safer times — and they should be — but quarterbacks don’t get injured anymore unless it’s a freak injury (RG3 earlier this season), a freak hit (Romo on Monday night) or an unexpected concussion (which we’re diagnosing much better these days).

As opposed to all other quarterback injuries throughout time that occurred, in predictable fashion, at that, one direct hits. Also, Vinny Testaverde missed an entire year after blowing out his ACL while backpedaling after a handoff, Tom Brady's injury came on a flukish low hit, and Trent Green's career was effectively ended by a concussion. It's almost as if quarterbacks were hurt in these ways all the time since the sport began.

You also can’t handcheck receivers, touch them after five yards, head-hunt over the middle or hit them when they’re defenseless. It’s much, much, much easier to throw and catch the football.

Check this out:

I'll save you time and simply note that more quarterbacks are throwing for big yards than they did in the past. Still waiting to see when Brady gets tossed in here given that said rule changes are what directly led to his major numbers over the years.

ESPN’s QBR:

Hahahahaha, nope.

The performances of 38-year-old Barry Bonds and so many other baseball stars from that era were enhanced because, you know, they took performance enhancers. Maybe it didn’t totally make sense in the moment. And maybe we were worried someone was going to grow Jay Leno’s chin or break out the first ever size-12 baseball cap. But it certainly makes sense after the fact.

This is such painful "logic." All pro athletes take some form of performance enhancers, whether it be painkillers or banned substances like steroids, as they won't otherwise get through the rigors of their season without them. However, holding up the outliers as proof that PED are magic pills that immediately grant superpowers is why this idiotic narrative won't die.

The recent performances of Manning and Brady (one year younger) have been enhanced in a different way.

It's due to the fact that each had career-saving surgery to repair injuries that would have ended Y.A. Tittle's career, right?

Passing rules changed so dramatically that it threw everyone’s numbers out of whack.

Of course not, let's ignore that contributing factor since it doesn't fit into this particular storyline.

Imagine figuring out the last eight years of NBA numbers if, in 2006, the league moved the 3-point line to 20 feet, allowed offensive goaltending and made it legal to take three steps after a dribble. (Well, MORE legal.)

So, it's FIBA?

That’s basically what happened in the NFL. Just look at the best Brady/Manning seasons in three-year quadrants:

Goodbye, gratuitous column filler.

Instead of PEDs, they were injecting QB-friendly rules into their bodies.

They each also had major surgery to save their respective careers. But just like Derek Jeter and the Pope, I can say with certainty that neither ever used PED! And I base this on absolutely nothing.

And it has reinvented a rivalry that …

A. Would have gone down as the NFL’s Russell-Chamberlain battle even if Manning retired in 2011.

I was thinking more Larry-Magic or LeBron-Skip Bayless, but I like your line of thinkin'!

B. Has seen both players grab the invisible “lead” multiple times.

Invisible points and victories sound like actual forms of cheating. Show us the tapes, Goodell!

C. Means infinitely more to fans and media members then it does to either of them. (I wrote about that theme in the 2010 season.)

Thanks for including the punchline for me, Bill.

I'm going to skip over the detailing of how Manning is currently "ahead" of Brady in this stupid race to the top of some imaginary ladder and chop out a few unnecessary lines in order to get to a point where this really turns. Those who have read Simmons' stuff from the start know that he is, at heart, a misogynist. From repeatedly savaging the WNBA for no reason to calling the majority of female characters in sports movies soulless harpies to this abomination, there's no shortage of evidence that this is a man who holds women in quite low regard. Nonetheless, one wouldn't expect sexism to play a factor in this debate, would you?

And in my opinion, he could have kept the belt had he been wired just a little differently.(WARNING! One of my ridiculous theories is coming.)(Repeat: It’s just a theory. Brace yourself.)

Note to self: If you have to issues two disclaimers before offering blazing hot take, it might be a better idea to keep it to yourself.

Growing up, Manning was the son of a famous QB, the overachieving middle brother, the eventual golden boy, someone who always had something to prove. Ever seen three little brothers hanging out together? They’re fighting and competing all the time. It never ends. It’s a constant battle for the upper hand. Eventually, one of them wins it. That was Peyton.

The same Peyton Manning who said that he always looked up to oldest brother Cooper? Let's ignore that since Peyton's the most famous of the trio!

And by all accounts, everyone loves working with him. He’s a great teammate. But he’s also in charge. All the time. That was Wes Welker’s biggest takeaway after playing with Brady and Manning. He told friends that while both players were incredible — for many of the same reasons (work ethic, competitiveness, likability, etc.) — he couldn’t believe how in charge Manning is. In New England, Bill Belichick’s fingerprints were everywhere; Brady had significant input, but still, he worked for Belichick (and not vice versa). In Denver, Manning’s fingerprints are everywhere. He tells the front office what he needs/wants; he tells the offensive coordinator what system he wants to run; he runs meetings; he orders people around in the locker room; he does everything. Welker, who always bristled at Belichick’s authoritarian nature, wondered if the Patriots would be better off had Brady been given that same leadership leash.

If there's anyone who will offer forth an unbiased opinion, it's a guy who left New England bitter over not being treated as though he was the Patriots' answer to Calvin Johnson.

Then again, you have to fight for that level of input. And Brady grew up differently than Manning … as the baby brother of three older sisters.

Repeat: THREE OLDER SISTERS.

Even the most amateur of psychologists are shaking their heads when they realize where this is going.

I have two children — a 9½-year-old daughter and a son who turns 7 this weekend. My daughter OWNS my son. They might be best friends, but they do what she wants to do 95 percent of the time. She orders him around like they’ve been married for 30 years. And it’s not just my house — I am still waiting to meet the family with the older daughter or daughters whose youngest son runs the show.

Newsflash: Older siblings afforded more opportunities than younger siblings!

Doesn’t make the son less competitive.

That's what you're insinuating.

Doesn’t mean he has a greater chance of failing as an athlete.

That's also what you're insinuating.

Just means that, fundamentally, he spent the majority of his time agreeing, nodding and following. If you’re a little boy with an older sister, she owns your ass.

As a boy growing up with two younger sisters, I can attest to the fact that I was the non-parent who was most in charge. Don't want to get in the way of your fantasy world in which this is a one-way street, though.

(See? I told you this was one of my most ludicrous theories! I swear, I believe in this one 100 percent.)

Because you're the kind of person who would fit in well in #GamerGate, a pissed off wannabe alpha male who thinks that women are all trying to snip off your balls and control your lives, but instead claims that this section is all about ethics in football journalism.

But THREE older sisters who also happened to be terrific at sports? According to a 2012 Yahoo.com piece called “Sister Pact,” Brady remembers, “They were the best athletes in my house — certainly a better athlete than I ever was. I just loved tagging along and I was living and dying with every loss they had.” Read that Yahoo piece and you come away thinking, Wow, that’s really the All-American family. But could you say that Brady, for 15 seasons and counting in New England, is still tagging along to some degree?

He's a surefire HOF'er with an MVP and five trips to the Super Bowl, so I'm going to go with "No." Also, why do you keep capitalizing "three"? Is it to beat into the heads of your simple-minded readership just how many horrible women kept poor Tommy down?

If you believe Belichick and Bob Kraft took the Brady era for granted — especially these last few years — you wouldn’t be wrong.

Yes you would.

Because they did.

Nope. Skipping ahead here, as Simmons tries to make it seem like Brady not throwing a hissy fit whenever New England allowed massively overrated players like Deion Branch and Welker get away seem as though it was a character flaw. When listing the many draft picks used on offensive players who didn't pan out, there's so sense of irony that it comes while claiming that the club never truly tried to get Brady extra weapons. Except, you know, for all the occasions in which they did.

The bizarre set of circumstances from 2013 (the Amendola-for-Welker switcheroo, Gronk’s body breaking down twice, Hernandez going to jail) left Brady effectively weaponless again, even after he signed for less money under the assumption they’d spend the extra money on help.

So, Brady had a Welker clone ready to replace the departed wideout, plus a pair of ridiculously dominant tight ends, yet the club should've acquired more receivers for big money? You said yourself that the only reason why a great receiving corps was depleted was due to a pair of injuries and Aaron Hernandez getting charged with murder. Way to not see all of that coming, Belichick!

That’s where we are right now. And so it’s difficult to compare Brady’s career and Manning’s career for two reasons that even the world’s biggest Manning fan would concede. First, Manning spent his first 12 seasons playing every home game indoors. (I was too lazy to look this up, but I’d bet anything that Manning played at least 100 more dome games than Brady during their careers, and Brady played at least 60-65 more cold-weather games than Manning did.)

If only you ran a large website that employs interns who could help in this endeavor. This could be a fun game, though. I'll concede your point about Brady if you acknowledge my equally made-up "stat" that Manning had to avoid 60-65 more instances of a drunken Jim Irsay nearly crashing into him with a medical cart.

We start getting into real column-padding at this point, including a year-by-year comparison of each QB's "weapons," then further slamming Brady for not being a mouthy enough asshole (due to his harpy sisters, no doubt!), as if that's a bad thing.

But getting the question asked — that’s what he wanted. He just wanted it out there.

I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH HELP. I START FROM SCRATCH EVERY FREAKING SEASON. I AM 37 YEARS OLD. MY WINDOW IS CLOSING ON ME. I’M NOT THE ONE PASSING 506 TOUCHDOWNS THIS WEEKEND FOR A VERY SPECIFIC REASON.

Probably not the week to have faux-Brady complain about passing stats given that he just shredded the Bears for 354 yards and 5 TD on 30-35 passing, numbers that would've blown away Ben Roethlisberger's had New England needed to pass the ball at all in the second half.

He would never say ANY of that. For a lot of reasons — he’s a good guy, he’s a great teammate, he doesn’t want to undermine the team in any way, he wants everyone around him to think that they’re better than everyone else, and also, he’s the youngest brother of three sisters and he’s just tagging along.

Honestly, screw you for this horseshit line of reasoning. Besides the blatant and constant sexist undertones you're pushing, don't you think that there's another real reason why Brady doesn't push back against Belichick? Could it be, oh, I don't know, that basically anyone who challenges the man in the hoodie gets shipped out on the first boat to Shanghai? I mean, the Pats acquired Darrelle Revis this offseason and Belichick had zero qualms about going to the press to note that the CB had been late to a meeting. Great quarterback or not, Brady would not win a war of wills against a control freak who gives zero shits. Seems to me like he's smart in not rocking the ship.

Meanwhile, the Broncos lost Eric Decker in free agency last spring. What happened? They went out and signed Emmanuel Sanders. He’s been fantastic. Why spend on Sanders with the Thomases (Julius and Demaryius) coming up for massive extensions? Two reasons …

Intellectually dishonest point right off the bat given that the Thomases are NOT being paid big money yet, so said spending to keep them hasn't happened. It might, but the Manning-led Colts allowed Edgerrin James to leave, so let's not act like anything's set in stone.

Reason No. 1: Denver’s window with Manning could end anytime. Like, tomorrow. Like, five minutes from now. Who knows? He’s 38.

As opposed to the Patriots, which are helmed by an able-bodied 23-year old and not a 37-year old playing his 14th full season, one of which was lost due to a blown knee.

Reason No. 2: Because Peyton Manning — at age fucking 38, after four neck surgeries, with Father Time eyeballing him 24/7 — wasn’t going to accept replacing Decker with someone who wasn’t a sure thing.

Sanders entered this season having caught 57.9% of his career targets. Sure thing, though.

So the Broncos signed Sanders, while the Patriots landed Brandon LaFell for exactly half the money: three years, $9 million, $3 million guaranteed. That’s a classic Belichick move — always do what’s best for your cap and your future, no matter what — and if Brady hadn’t kept rolling over publicly like he had these past 10 years, maybe he’d have Sanders instead of LaFell right now (yes, I am fully aware that LaFell has looked terrific lately).

Are you sure, because it really sounds like you think that he's horrible when, like Sanders, LaFell has translated his incredible athleticism into major production simply by getting to play with a more accurate passer.

It’s weird to complain about a Belichick-Brady regime that’s been so absurdly successful.

For a normal person capable of gratitude, yes, that would be the case.

And with that said … I can’t believe how strangely they’ve handled the final trimester of Brady’s career. Odds are, we (and I’m using “we” because I have loved this team since I was 4 years old and Randy Vataha and Mack Herron were scurrying around, so if you have a problem with that, I don’t care) will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER have another quarterback like this again.

These obscure names prove what a real fan I am! No one denies this!

He’s also 37. With 201 regular-season games, 26 playoff games and one reconstructive knee surgery under his belt.

Stop stealing my material.

And I get it. I get that Belichick’s philosophy looks something like this …

Rule No. 1: Never stack the deck for any one season.Rule No. 2: Never become too attached to a player.Rule No. 3: Always flip an asset into a better asset.Rule No. 4: Always sell high.Rule No. 5: Build your 53.Rule No. 6: Try to win 11 to 13 games year after year after year.

Never attempt to act like an actual human being. Always fabricate ailments for the weekly injury report. If you're going to cuckold, cuckold with the best of them.

He’s never bottoming out. He’s never enduring one of those 2011 Colts seasons, where everything collapses just because of one injury.

Unless Brady were to have been hurt last season rather than in 2008 when Matt Cassel was experienced. I'm pretty sure that Ryan Mallett would have delivered plenty of Gabbert-esque highlights as the Dolphins won the division.

Of all the achievements that make him most proud, I’d bet winning 11 games with Matt Freaking Cassel ranks right up there. Belichick lost one of the best quarterbacks of all time, in his prime, not even nine minutes into Week 1. AND HE STILL WON 11 GAMES.

Simmons earlier noted that the 2008 Pats were loaded offensively, but let's ignore that for idol worshiping.

Belichick knows the NFL playoffs are a total crapshoot.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect. We would have accepted MLB or NHL, but not a league where the home team has won 63% of postseason contests, easily besting the "one and done" aspect that could otherwise turn such a playoff setup into said crapshoot.

He probably did the math and figured out that eight teams can win the Super Bowl every year; he just wants to be one of the eight. It worked in 2001, 2003 and 2004. It almost worked in 2007 and 2011. It’s simple math, and it makes total sense.

And none of that is even close to being the truth, but thanks for playing. Plus, if the playoffs are a crapshoot, wouldn't all 12 teams be capable of winning it all? I seem to remember a few wild card squads finding recent success.

Skipping ahead again here, as Simmons begins to repeat himself about Belichick 'screwing over' Brady (including pulling a Peter King and showing 20/20 draft pick hindsight) before yet another piece of unnoticed irony when he mentions my earlier point about how losing Amendola, Gronkowski, and Hernandez for large stretches of time completely skews the narrative.

Of course, they could keep playing and playing and playing, maybe even for the rest of this decade, if only because of the rules. I met Manning at the 2014 ESPYS, talked to him and his wife for a few minutes and eventually asked him about that.

I know famous people!

How many more years do you think you have in you?

The short answer: He didn’t know.

Dear god, is PK actually writing this column, too?!

Dirk Nowitzki mentioned that same stay-or-go reason on one of my podcasts once. And Steve Nash, too.

Oh, do famous basketball players not come on your podcast? A pity, they're great guys and some of my closest friends.

I spent maybe eight minutes with Manning, but my takeaway was that as soon as that alarm clock goes off and he’s lying in bed, with his body aching, with all of these records already in hand, wondering why it’s even worth it — that’s when Peyton Manning will quit football.

Wait for it.

Tom Brady? Now that’s a slightly different story. He has played 43 fewer games than Manning. He’s one year younger. By all accounts, he lives and breathes football and that’s it.

As opposed to Peyton Manning, the guy who everyone says studies film tape as a hobby and is better equipped to be a head coach than 90% of the guys in charge right now? How is Brady mentioned as a football nut, but not Manning?

Doesn’t have any other hobbies or vices.

Apparently filming Papa John's commercials qualifies as a hobby.

One night earlier this year, I ran into friends in New York who happened to be with Julian Edelman.

Might I say that this is the grittiest name-drop thus far?

I asked him how long Brady could keep playing, and without hesitation, Edelman said, “As long as he wants.”

“Like, 43?”

Edelman nodded. He described Brady as a “football machine,” adding, “He’s in bed by eight thirty every night!” He had never seen anything like Tom Brady. He couldn’t imagine Brady NOT playing football. Six more years, at least. That’s what he believed.

(And yes, Edelman re-signed with the Patriots just a few weeks later. Let’s just say I wasn’t surprised.)

I think I think.

If Brady played into his early forties, that would mean he was cheating — and by “cheating,” I mean “cheating Father Time.”

Oh, right, the totally clever headline from which this nonsense began.

Could a quarterback really play at an All-Pro level at 40 and beyond? Seems insane. Absolutely insane.

As insane as tackling this column two weeks in a row has proven to be...

Just make sure you don’t count out the little brother with three sisters yet.

But just make sure you attribute any perceived emotional failings on his part to those terrible women controlling his behavior. #FootballGamerGate

(And by the way — I’m picking the Pats on Sunday. 38-37. May the rivalry never end.)

Of course you are. I'd say that the column is done, but there's awfulness to be found in the picks, too.

WEEK 9 QUICK PICKS

Cards (+3) over COWBOYSJust a little too much “Here comes Brandon Weeden!” potential.

As opposed to Arizona, who has its own hobbled quarterback and is backed up by the legendary Drew Stanton.

CHIEFS (-10) over JetsNinety feet away. Happened to me in ’78. Yaz popped up. You never get over it. Regardless, hold your heads high, KC fans. Phenomenal run.

Thank goodness. Now Royals fans can rest easy in knowing that some asshole from Boston also knows their pain given that Red Sox player also fouled out to end a big game. Huge solace to the fanbase that hasn't won anything since 1985 that a guy who roots for a team with three WS titles since 2004 has praise for them.

Washington (+1) over VIKINGS
And hold your heads high, the 20 UT fans who still believed Colt McCoy might make it!

Have you heard from Washington fans? They were calling McCoy a franchise QB the moment that Pierre Garcon ran for a 70-yard TD on the QB's short toss to open his Week 7 relief appearance. There's plenty of delusion to go around here.

Rams (+10) over 49ERSToo many points. Although I did check to make sure Bumgarner wasn’t playing.

Topical! Also, totally nonsensical.

Chargers (+1.5) over DOLPHINSFeels like a “Phil Rivers is better than everyone else on the field” game. I’ve lost money on those games before. Not this time.

As if rooting against a prick like Philip Rivers wasn't enough reason for me to hope for a Miami win.

PATS (+3.5) over Broncos
Hey Patriots -- look at this line. NOBODY BELIEVES IN YOU.

www.dragonmtn.com

Ravens (-1.5) over STEELERSAdam Schefter reported that Roger Goodell had to be “forced to testify” in Ray Rice’s hearing next week. So the current NFL commissioner re-suspended the same player for the same offense because of "new" evidence that the Ravens and the NFL reportedly had the entire time, refused to explain himself, and eventually had to be “forced” to testify in the corresponding investigation? That's weird, right?

Thank goodness Bill didn't grow up in a house of girls or else he might not constantly act like an overgrown child, am I right? True misogynists know what I'm talking about.

Colts (-3.5) over GIANTS
I’m not betting against great QB’s in night games anymore unless they’re going against another great QB. (Sorry, Eli.)

Oh, shitting the bed in the first half of a big game and then stat-padding after it's out of hand is the sign of an elite QB nowadays? Wow, things really do CHANGE.